I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
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The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*