@offbeatoliv

I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.

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@Cheeseboy22

I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.

@iwearaonesie

coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad

@mommajessiec

Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.

I’m their teacher.

@sarcasm_inc

Good cop: where were you last Wednesday?
Cotton Eye Joe cop: where did you come from, where did you go

@sixfootcandy

[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!

@sixfootcandy

“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.

@KMoFlo_official

I think I accidentally became a nun:

✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits

@LanieLalaBugs

If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??

@uccjeb

When I see 18 wheelers carrying something covered with a tarp, I just assume that it’s an injured Transformer.