GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
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I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
coworker: What did your wife get?
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Good cop: where were you last Wednesday?
Cotton Eye Joe cop: where did you come from, where did you go
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
When I see 18 wheelers carrying something covered with a tarp, I just assume that it’s an injured Transformer.