I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
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Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ