@HomeWithPeanut

I believe the children are our future.

But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.

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@NickBSawyer

*handshake*

wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life

[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”

@Where__wolf

You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!

@ewfeez

[Kool-Aid Man breaks thru wall]
Oh ya!
[breaks 2nd wall]
Oh ya!
[3rd wall]
OHHH YEAAHH!
[breaks 4th wall]
I’ve had many, many concussions

@RoobsC

My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.

@Contwixt

My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[Petco]

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.

ME: Like a mermaid?

INTERVIEWER:

@cosmicbibi

My hobbies include humming the Jurassic Park theme song to my chickens, to make them feel more in touch with their ancestors.

@mejustbeth

How can you tell a vampire has the virus?

He’ll be coffin.