wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
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You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
[Kool-Aid Man breaks thru wall]
[breaks 2nd wall]
[breaks 4th wall]
I’ve had many, many concussions
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
My hobbies include humming the Jurassic Park theme song to my chickens, to make them feel more in touch with their ancestors.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.