I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
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People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony