DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
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By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Interior design 👌
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”