I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
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Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill