Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”

There are two types of people in this world:

1) Good people

2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

this post was so formative to me

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –

Me: And I must never open it?

Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up

them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty

me:

My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.

Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?

Him: “… I slept on the couch.”

Mmmm yeahh

Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.

Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?

Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*

Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me

I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.

Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen

extrovert: want to come out with us

me: i’ll let you no.

I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.

Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom

They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.

Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?

[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine

Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.

COP: where were u between 1 and 2

ME: in a diaper

COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night

ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk

[watching Joker]

Joker: ha-

me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now

Joker: -ha

Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ

There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.

[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees

[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK