I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
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Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
I identify as an antique shop.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
The news is so predictable nowadays
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this