@Birdhumms

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

You Might Also Like

@KenJennings

I’ve been at this elementary school talent show for half an hour and I’ve already heard “Shake It Off” 137 times.

@longwall26

I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.

@juliussharpe

At the very highest level of karate, they give you pants that fit so you no longer need a belt.

@leshnevsky

If the chameleons did their work better, we would not know about the existence of chameleons.

@Darlainky

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.

@LostFelicia

Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.

@IamEnidColeslaw

a co-worker asked me if I was pregnant and I panicked and said yes so now I have to gradually gain like 30 pounds

@NewDadNotes

Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.

Me: you forgot updog.

Yoga Instructor: what’s up-

Wife: -NOOOO!

@karanbirtinna

What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?