I’ve been at this elementary school talent show for half an hour and I’ve already heard “Shake It Off” 137 times.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
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I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
At the very highest level of karate, they give you pants that fit so you no longer need a belt.
If the chameleons did their work better, we would not know about the existence of chameleons.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
a co-worker asked me if I was pregnant and I panicked and said yes so now I have to gradually gain like 30 pounds
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
This meal prepping shit easy