I bet a heroin addict could find a needle in a haystack.

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Turns out exposing yourself to different cultures just gets you arrested in multiple countries.


My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.


When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines


5: There’s a monster under my bed…

I wouldn’t be scared of monsters, I saw a video of snakes hunting in packs *kisses forehead* goodnight


The fact that Gunplay pulled a gun on his accountant doesn’t shock me nearly as much as the fact that Gunplay has an accountant.


People who don’t know how to merge onto the highway, there’s a bus pass for that.


BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead

911: did u murder him?


911: ma’am

BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*


Me, age 18: I can’t wait to have a full time job with a regular pay check so I can buy whatever I want

Me, age 38: *splurges on the ‘nice’ garbage bags and feels guilty*


[having sex with centaur]

ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*


Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.