Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
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PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline