@EricGoldie

I bet a heroin addict could find a needle in a haystack.

You Might Also Like

@Steelers1972

If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.

@ServiceTech_

[first day as a pilot]

This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

@SardonicTart

*Gets on plane*

*Takes out earbuds*

*Untangles earbuds*

*Plane lands*

@AbbyHasIssues

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

@daemonic3

What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?

@djdarrellripley

Her: She’s too young for you.

Me: Based on what?

Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..

Me:

@AnOrangeSNES

*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!

@bloodysurgeon1

The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.

@JennUflect

Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.