I bet a heroin addict could find a needle in a haystack.

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If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.


[first day as a pilot]

This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.


*Gets on plane*

*Takes out earbuds*

*Untangles earbuds*

*Plane lands*


Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.


What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?


Her: She’s too young for you.

Me: Based on what?

Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..



*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!


The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.


Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.