who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
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boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
The human personality is made of five key elements
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.