I bet a lot more people would read the Bible if it was called The Adventures of Jesus and Friends.

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I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.


Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.


did you write “call Gary in HR for lots of really disappointing and hairy sex” on the bathroom stall?

[wearing my “I hate gary” tshirt]: no


Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories


We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.


Me: congrats! Are you pregnant? Her: (awkwardly) Noooo… Me: *panics* do you wanna be? -great save- thanks brain


Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.


WIFE: really?
ME: uh?
WIFE: 20 mins and you haven’t noticed?
ME: oh! hair looks nice, hun
WIFE: [crossing her 1 arm] I had my surgery today.


Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.

Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.