I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
I bet a lot more people would read the Bible if it was called The Adventures of Jesus and Friends.
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My neighbour has been playing the bongos for over an hour, and I thought he was meditating until I heard him sing “Yeah, shake that shit…”
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
I like to go to my local diner and order pancakes “on the rocks.” They don’t know what I mean. Neither do I. They hate it when I come in
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
I’m at my most British when the Benny Hill theme song plays while I’m half naked & being chased by my TC’s wife who found me in his closet.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can