At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
You Might Also Like
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
At least he brought enough for everyone
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?