@RadOrDie

I bet a lot more people would read the Bible if it was called The Adventures of Jesus and Friends.

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@juliussharpe

I don’t get why everyone talks so fast in old movies. What was the hurry? There was nothing to do back then.

@DaddyBeerGuy

In case you haven’t checked Facebook,

It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!

@TheToddWilliams

[creation]

GOD: You guys are bees

BEE: Are we important?

GOD: Mankind would collapse without you

BEE: Can we fly?

GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol

BEE: …

GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out

@UncleDuke1969

I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.

@PerfectPending

Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.

@ItsAndyRyan

“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.

@fro_vo

Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u