@RadOrDie

I bet a lot more people would read the Bible if it was called The Adventures of Jesus and Friends.

I bet a lot more people would read the Bible if it was called The Adventures of Jesus and Friends.

- @RadOrDie

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@longwall26

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.

@foodfacenow

Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*

@vikkaroni

Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.

@joanneraposo

Why is fruit so expensive?

I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.

@Kendragarden

I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)

@dubstep4dads

[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd

@MavenofHonor

Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases

@TheWeirdWorld

The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.

@junejuly12

*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*

*wakes up in Emergency*

@MNateShyamalan

nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right

me: totally

nintendo: and you hate working a job

me: so much

nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?

me: will it be cute

nintendo: so cute

me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours