I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.

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Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*


[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s


we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi


My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.


We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.


The new Batman is super realistic — he’s attracted to porch lights, makes your girlfriend scream and then the cat eats him


AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.


Which lip am I supposed to bite to look sexy in selfies? Cuz I look like a werewolf when I bite my top lip