The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
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My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: My experiences with you lead to an increase in dopamine and oxytocin as well
me: does anyone here play baseball
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”