@mlefaye

I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.

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@Rollmaninoz

*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF

@pleatedjeans

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s

@behindyourback

we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi

@KrunkedRobot

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.

@IamJackBoot

We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.

@briangaar

The new Batman is super realistic — he’s attracted to porch lights, makes your girlfriend scream and then the cat eats him

@dave_cactus

AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.

@DonQuickoats

Which lip am I supposed to bite to look sexy in selfies? Cuz I look like a werewolf when I bite my top lip