@mlefaye

I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.

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@Marcmywords2

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

@elisemarie91

My mom at 25: Married, one kid

Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking

@TwinSurvivalist

While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.

@Home_Halfway

WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: My experiences with you lead to an increase in dopamine and oxytocin as well

@JohnLyonTweets

Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.

@CulturedRuffian

Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’

@JimmerThatisAll

Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.

@AmishPornStar1

Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…

I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”