@PeteBlackburn

I bet Abraham Lincoln would rather go watch another play than watch this debate.

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@HomeProbably

Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.

@FlorkOfCows

I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.

“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”

@flashember

ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters

@evanrhorne

My daughter made the carpet hot lava and I’m afraid I’ll be late for work now.

@KateQFunny

Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.

@Maxine12333

You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them

@DanMentos

[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep

@BrettDruck

Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.