I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn’t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.

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Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet


You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums


Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.


“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.


how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”


4yo: we have a weed farm!


Me: weedS in our yard

Lady: *rapidly walks away*


2yo: I get high *jumps*


Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*


*crawls towards him gets between his legs and asks*
What do you want?

Him-Whatever you want.

Me-*gets a bowl of ice cream and turns on tv*


What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.