When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
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No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Always 🥴
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!