@TheMichaelRock

I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn’t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.

You Might Also Like

@Bownuggets

Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

@OctopusCaveman

You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums

@junejuly12

Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.

@Ms_Shazam

“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.

@Fire_Badger

how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”

@BunAndLeggings

4yo: we have a weed farm!

Lady:

Me: weedS in our yard

Lady: *rapidly walks away*

Me: MY KIDS DON’T GET HIGH

2yo: I get high *jumps*

@mommajessiec

Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*

@mexinonblonde

*crawls towards him gets between his legs and asks*
What do you want?

Him-Whatever you want.

Me-*gets a bowl of ice cream and turns on tv*

@BatBatshitcrazy

What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.