I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
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Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control