i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
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After 35, your body ages in dog years
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Them: You should try keto
Me:
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Never go to sleep after making me angry
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*