i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.

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[at Starbucks]

Barista: Coffee?

Me: Yes, a medium please

Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille


News: Don’t panic about Ebola, but please watch this nonstop coverage about how it could spread everywhere and kill you. Don’t panic though.


Gyms are open !

Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)


Me: Most of all, remember to be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

Neighbor: If you don’t stay out of my heating duct I’m calling the cops.


took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired


Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food


I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.


I wish I could see the look of surprise and wonder on my son’s face when he opens his lunchbox full of tampons today. Payback for talkback.


Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.