@peteholmes

i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.

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@ShortSleeveSuit

[at Starbucks]

Barista: Coffee?

Me: Yes, a medium please

Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille

@TheMichaelRock

News: Don’t panic about Ebola, but please watch this nonstop coverage about how it could spread everywhere and kill you. Don’t panic though.

@iGreenGod

Gyms are open !

Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)

@BallsMcBallski

Me: Most of all, remember to be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

Neighbor: If you don’t stay out of my heating duct I’m calling the cops.

@trashcanbee

took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired

@Rainbowbunee

Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food

@ddsmidt

I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.

@JessiCanadian

I wish I could see the look of surprise and wonder on my son’s face when he opens his lunchbox full of tampons today. Payback for talkback.

@fillthevacuum

Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.