@_steamy_mac

I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.

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@PurrrrrfectCat

If ignorance truly is bliss, my coworkers must be in a constant state of euphoria.

@TheWinegasm

After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.

@CorkyKneivel

GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…

@datassque

white people get red in the winter cause the wind too spicy

@MomOnFire

Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.

Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.

@hansabumsadaisy

My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.

#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

@AimeeHelene1

The best people always leave this Earth too soon…so I’m pretty sure I’m destined for immortality.

@ericsshadow

I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.

@cray_at_home_ma

Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands

@PetrickSara

Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)