I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.

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If ignorance truly is bliss, my coworkers must be in a constant state of euphoria.


After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.


GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…


white people get red in the winter cause the wind too spicy


Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.

Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.


My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.

#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes


The best people always leave this Earth too soon…so I’m pretty sure I’m destined for immortality.


I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.


Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands


Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)