Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
You Might Also Like
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
I love the National Park Service.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work