What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
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Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.