When I’m drinking don’t worry about taking my car keys.
Just hide my phone.
“I bet all those murders are done by that hooded guy whose always running around rooftops w 17 weapons on him.”-Nobody in Assassin’s Creed
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Cool story bro, needs more dragons and shit – how Game of Thrones started, probably.
Seems clear enough
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Me: Dishonor on you! Dishonor on your family! Dishonor on your house!
Olive Garden server: Please stop! I’ll bring more cheese to grate!
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.