I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.

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Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.

Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?


Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog


When someone invites me to their house and I see more than 2 cars parked outside it I keep driving just in case it’s an intervention for me


*on a first date*

Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal

Me: aw thanks

*turns to the waiter*

Me: do you have pony meat


honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah


Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond


[interview for doctor’s office receptionist]

“Can you schedule appointments and be friendly”


“Sorry we’re looking for the opposite”


“Give me the best quality TV commercial I can get for $57!”
-Every attorney apparently


My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.




Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool