Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
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Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
When someone invites me to their house and I see more than 2 cars parked outside it I keep driving just in case it’s an intervention for me
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
[interview for doctor’s office receptionist]
“Can you schedule appointments and be friendly”
“Sorry we’re looking for the opposite”
“Give me the best quality TV commercial I can get for $57!”
-Every attorney apparently
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool