@Tw1tter_K1tten

I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.

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@mela_shea

Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.

Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?

@ReelQuinn

Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog

@Kappa_Kappa

When someone invites me to their house and I see more than 2 cars parked outside it I keep driving just in case it’s an intervention for me

@lazerdoov

*on a first date*

Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal

Me: aw thanks

*turns to the waiter*

Me: do you have pony meat

@caithuls

honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah

@weinerdog4life

Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond

@theshamingofjay

[interview for doctor’s office receptionist]

“Can you schedule appointments and be friendly”

Yes.

“Sorry we’re looking for the opposite”

@robfee

“Give me the best quality TV commercial I can get for $57!”
-Every attorney apparently

@chrisanna4real

My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.

Drank.

Drunk.

@Almighty_Smoot

Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool