@errdayhustlah

I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.

I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.

- @errdayhustlah

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I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.

@lovejulieacafe

*parachutes into your family BBQ*

I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…

@spookperson

coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator

@KalvinMacleod

[new hire intro]
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JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years

@Laser_Cat

I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.

@TravLeBlanc

Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.

@64spoons

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.

@bea_ker

*blood everywhere*

“What kind of ANIMAL would DO this?”

Well, that’s a gazelle Jeff, so probably a lion *to other ranger* Jeff’s new here

@ryanbrooks

A bar in my neighborhood is delivering entire liters of their premixed margaritas for $25 and you get a complimentary roll of toilet paper with your purchase and it’s really starting to feel like there are no rules anymore

@vornietom

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be?
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me

No