@errdayhustlah

I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.

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@vonTraphaus

[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity

@squirrel74wkgn

[at restaurant]

Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?

Me: Just one, thanks.

Wife (clears throat): Two.

@withanewname

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!

-Librarians arguing

@TheBoydP

“Change is never easy…”

~McDonalds employees

@kylamb16

Don’t simply give a wrong # to guys @ the bar. Memorize the # of someone you despise and hand that shit out like Reese’s pieces on Halloween

@Just_Lee_

When I think of you, I touch myself.

With my finger.

In the back of my throat to help me vomit because you make me nauseous.

@Rica_Bee

me: hit me, daddy

poker dealer: don’t call me that

@Brianhopecomedy

To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.

@dumbbeezie

Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is

@Donna_McCoy

The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.