I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
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Fat chances are my favorite chances
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Start the year as you intend to continue.