[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
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My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
This probably isn’t good
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph