Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
I bet crop circles are just Yelp for aliens with reviews like ‘Earth: hangry species, would not recommend.’ or ‘if you must visit, visit in the summer, ?????.’
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Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
No thanks, World Cup. If I wanted to watch dudes run around for 3 hours and leave with a tie, I’d just go to Sears.
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.