I bet crop circles are just Yelp for aliens with reviews like ‘Earth: hangry species, would not recommend.’ or ‘if you must visit, visit in the summer, ?????.’

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In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook


What does Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving?


I’ll show myself out.



[wife being a real pain]

Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?


“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!



My daughter’s teacher told me my child is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I’m like I do. I’m player 2.


[me narrating a documentary about narrators]

“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”


*First day as an exorcist*

ME: [voice a bit louder than normal] Just gonna put this GHOST PIE on top of this harmless pile of leaves. Sure hope no GHOSTS see it…


Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.

Police: Because you keep killing people


Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.