“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
You Might Also Like
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Life cycle of cat
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.