I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
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You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce