I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.

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I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.


When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.


Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?


Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali


Does North Korea remember what happened the last time a country attacked Hawaii?


I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.


Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.

Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.


Golf, except there’s no balls or clubs or anything, and you just drive around in a cart and drink.


My grandfather is so racist he only eats white chocolate at Easter.


me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents