I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
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Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
*has no idea what a book even is*
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story