I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
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Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Maths meets science
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that