@TheWoodenslurpy

I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.

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@ShortSleeveSuit

CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten

KRISTEN: sure

CHRISTEN: thank you

KRIS: anytime

@NicholasPegg

Retweet if you are using Snapchat’s new Snap Map location feature to hunt down straight men and turn them gay.

@Reverend_Scott

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT

DOG 911: He still holding it?

DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??

@smirkykev

In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.

@NicestHippo

[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”

@FunnyBison

“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*

@stephenjmolloy

[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”

Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”

@nealbrennan

Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”

Service is way better.