I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
You Might Also Like
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.