@ehchinoo

I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between

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@jngraphs

Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one

@AngelaEhh

Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.

@BlancheDD140

‘No Panties Tuesday’ is a thing, right?

Or AKA, I really need to do some laundry.

@jayonguitar

If your girlfriend offers to make you breakfast at 2 AM. She’s probably not your girlfriend and your just drunk at Denny’s again.

@prufrockluvsong

Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.

@YourMomsucksTho

If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something

@jctwritesstuff

Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT

@Tmoney68

[Courtroom]

Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!

Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.

@FredTaming

mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella

wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella