I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
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Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Um … Hot Wings please
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.