@Dschnoeb

I bet Egyptians were all like “Yo, nobody in history will ever worship and revere cats like we do” and then came the internet.

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@onion_an

Me: My dog ran away two days ago

Dog pound: Does he have a tag?

Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?

@chuuew

Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.

@nicfit75

My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.

@ParisZarcilla

So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.

@TheGabbieShow

i cant get a dog because it will give strangers an excuse to talk to me

@GreenishDuck

Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.

@difficultpatty

People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.

@Contwixt

My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.

@preritpathak

People on Facebook Nowadays:

*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*

*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?