Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
I bet Egyptians were all like “Yo, nobody in history will ever worship and revere cats like we do” and then came the internet.
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Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
i cant get a dog because it will give strangers an excuse to talk to me
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Omg like wtf
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*