@JordanPeele

I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.

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@Hipster_wife_

Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.

@tomwalkerisgood

As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds

@TFriss

If you watch Harry Potter backwards, Voldemort is really good at zapping people back to life and turning Harry into a baby.

@MarfSalvador

Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!

Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before

@iwearaonesie

toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise

@sofarrsogud

SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!

ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.

@DadandBuried

Netflix and chil…dren.

Because letting them watch TV in the morning is the only way I can get a little extra sleep.

@julcasagrande

Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free

@fillthevacuum

Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean

– me, as a gynecologist