I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.

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Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.


As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds


If you watch Harry Potter backwards, Voldemort is really good at zapping people back to life and turning Harry into a baby.


Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!

Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before


toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise


SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!

ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.


Netflix and chil…dren.

Because letting them watch TV in the morning is the only way I can get a little extra sleep.


Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free


Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean

– me, as a gynecologist