I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
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You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.