@AndyAsAdjective

I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”

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@Laser_Cat

The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.

@narcoticpanda

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*

Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”

@KKBowls

Mini M&M’s – for when you just can’t finish an entire M&M

@BlindChow

In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.

@BritXNic

Been told I’m a pretty awful human being.
I stopped listening after he said I was pretty.

@Darlainky

At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.

@JustTashie

Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.

@MomOnFire

When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.