I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”

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The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.


*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*



Mini M&M’s – for when you just can’t finish an entire M&M


In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.


Been told I’m a pretty awful human being.
I stopped listening after he said I was pretty.


At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.


Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.


When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.