Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
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guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?