Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
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I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Accurate
I’m being attacked 😭
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News