I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
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Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building