I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
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*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.