I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.

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*walks into interview*

Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.

*walks out of interview*


Dear Stephen Hawking,

You’re not the boss of us.



I play Nickelback real loud all day so crickets can listen to something annoying when they try to sleep


Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.


Just answered the door in my underpants. I said “Blimey, a talking door. What are you doing in my underpants?”


I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?