I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
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me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
The Compass
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
mathematically impossible
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”