Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
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what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
my name if I was in the mob
Fluff me with a fork baby
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
podcasts
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.