I bet if that Malaysian plane had stolen tweets, some of you guys would’ve found it already.

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Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?

Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.



taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake

me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what


The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.


Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.


My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.


*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

*Asteroid crushes Earth*

“Dammit Dad.”


The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:


i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30