Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
I bet if that Malaysian plane had stolen tweets, some of you guys would’ve found it already.
You Might Also Like
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
When God sends confusion into the camp of your enemies
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30