I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
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My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’