@Stellacopter

I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.

You Might Also Like

@KelgoreTrout

i named my first son “christian” and i named his twin brother “born-again christian”

@Elizasoul80

Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.

@jwoodham

Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.

@just1fool

My aunt called me a basket case so I swallowed all of her decorative, weaved pieces of art that hold things to show her.

@Shenaniglenns

[God inventing pain]

God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.

Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?

God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not

@donni

I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.

@ShortSleeveSuit

My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”