I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.

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i named my first son “christian” and i named his twin brother “born-again christian”


Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.


Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.


My aunt called me a basket case so I swallowed all of her decorative, weaved pieces of art that hold things to show her.


[God inventing pain]

God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.

Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?

God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not


I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.


My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”