i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe

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My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call


I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me


My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.


“What a nice doggie.”

“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”



Me: will you have my baby?
Her: omg yes!
Me: * hands her a baby…
* runs…


asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss


Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box


My 3 moods:

1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit