Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
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*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
i wish i could marry a nap
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.