@StinkyGr33n
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
@hyperblastchic
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
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@StinkyGr33n
@heyitsJudeD
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
@jonnysun
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
@Just_Lee_
When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.
@FrazzleMyGimp
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
@JohnLyonTweets
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
@pleatedjeans
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
@Browtweaten
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
@david8hughes
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
@TheToddWilliams
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready