
Head says “Forget about her.”
Heart says “Tell her u love her.”
Bottle of whisky says”Ride the cat around the house & you’ll feel better.”
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Head says “Forget about her.”
Heart says “Tell her u love her.”
Bottle of whisky says”Ride the cat around the house & you’ll feel better.”
(My wedding day)
Grandma: You remind me so much of your father
Me: Wow, thanks that means a lot
G: Your father was a disappointment also
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Joseph: A crib full of straw? No, I asked to see the MANAGER.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
My dad refused to dance at his own wedding.
Anyway this is quarantine day 5
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.