@hyperblastchic

I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.

No YOU’VE been drinking.

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@StinkyGr33n

[Speed dating]

Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!

@heyitsJudeD

A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??

Imguana see myself out

@jonnysun

*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH

@Just_Lee_

When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[At drive through]

GUY: would you like a drink holder?

ME: ya sure

[driving home]

ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?

GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.

Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.

@TheToddWilliams

[cat adoption agency]

Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*

Me: What the hell?

Counselor: You’re not ready