I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.

No YOU’VE been drinking.

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Head says “Forget about her.”

Heart says “Tell her u love her.”

Bottle of whisky says”Ride the cat around the house & you’ll feel better.”


(My wedding day)

Grandma: You remind me so much of your father

Me: Wow, thanks that means a lot

G: Your father was a disappointment also


Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!

1yo: *walking*

Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!

6yo: *riding two-wheeler*

Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!

16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*


Joseph: A crib full of straw? No, I asked to see the MANAGER.


“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting


Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”


*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel


Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.


{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.