I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
You Might Also Like
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Come back with a warrant
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀