@OhNoSheTwitnt

I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.

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@BuckyIsotope

Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer

@kristendrum

“want to go grab some dinner?”

*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire

@Lovestained555

Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.

@TheMichaelRock

*sees Salvation Army bell ringer*

“Here you go, buddy. Merry Christmas!”

“Sir, we don’t accept children.”

*runs away*

@thenatewolf

Tell me more about these male enhancement pills…
Will they help me chop wood better? How about pelts?
Will I know how to make pelts?

@KimmyMonte

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

@StarksWeek

“I put on pants for nothing”

– my 10 yo after she got dressed and her soccer game was cancelled.

Someone set up her Twitter account.

@Marlebean

Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?

Me: No way, Charles Manson!

Him: But I just..

Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS

HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years

Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*