I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
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[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
i baked you a cake
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?