I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
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Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
*sees Salvation Army bell ringer*
“Here you go, buddy. Merry Christmas!”
“Sir, we don’t accept children.”
Tell me more about these male enhancement pills…
Will they help me chop wood better? How about pelts?
Will I know how to make pelts?
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
“I put on pants for nothing”
– my 10 yo after she got dressed and her soccer game was cancelled.
Someone set up her Twitter account.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.