I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
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Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”