Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
You Might Also Like
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.