I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
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i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
You can’t rush stupid.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.