@kellyoxford

I bet most braille on public signs says: “How did you know this was here?”

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@adamlucidi

You’re following a man who once stole someone’s garbage can lid and used it as an umbrella. That’s on you.

@infinityonhi

Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip

@1970RobD

The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

#1PUN

@theevilwriter

Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.

@jonnysun

high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed

@bonehugsnirony

people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.

@Phook75

Some days when I think back on music from the late 90’s I often get a little blue da ba dee da ba die..

@continentlbkfst

[consoling friend after break up]

me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea

global warming: like hurry tho