“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
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Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.