I bet most braille on public signs says: “How did you know this was here?”

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You’re following a man who once stole someone’s garbage can lid and used it as an umbrella. That’s on you.


Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip


The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.



Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.


high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed


people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.


Some days when I think back on music from the late 90’s I often get a little blue da ba dee da ba die..


[consoling friend after break up]

me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea

global warming: like hurry tho