I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
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Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
you will never know the true number of layers
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.