I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
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Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
LMAO
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.